What prompts people to take the time to write online restaurant reviews? I explored Google and TripAdvisor reviews of Nanaimo restaurants, and by my investigation, it’s either a superb dining experience or an awful one. Yes, there are people who report on mediocre calamari in so-so restaurants, but the majority of the detailed, lengthy reviews tend to fall on either end of the spectrum. The “terrible” one-star reviews are my favourite; the authors often employ their finest attempt at dramatic writing, and the results are peculiarly poetic. I chopped up and rearranged the prose of three reviews into free verse in an attempt to accentuate certain poetic moments.
Nicol Street McDonald’s
left disappointed
distraught
wasting precious gas
burger was left behind
I even tried to call you
would rather eat a can of beans
slightly ajar
sitting in a dusty room
for uncountable years
than come back
your particular McDonald’s
has become dirty
the greasiest vendor
please, pplleeaassseee
close down
before I have a stroke
“Really? Aunt Jemima!? Gross!”
Review by Matthew M
stay away
lord have mercy
AUNT JEMIMA
no!
need to throw up
before we get back on the road
please folks
do not eat at this place
this is Canada
“Worst hamburger ever!!! Actually made me ill for a couple of days.”
Review by 535russ
advertises in bold letters
“Gourmet Burgers”
this is an outrageous lie
the burger
has a standard
non-yeast commercial bun
frozen patty
pink burger sauce
A&W mama burger
is better
felt ill for two days
until my body purged it
should be ashamed
serving poison
Editor
Spenser SmithAssociate Editor Spenser is a journalist, poet, and wildlife photographer. His work has appeared in Maclean's, The Malahat Review, The Puritan, and Prairie Fire.
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